It feels like it’s been forever since I was last on here. So many things have changed. I started the new school year feeling confident and strong in my abilities and had this whole big dream of being 120 and happy and thin and have perfect teeth and a great smile and outlook on life.

But that’s not real, that’s not how things really work out here in the real world. I now weigh 150 pounds and feel so ugly. I feel like evey wall I put up and every technique I used to use to help fast have all fallen down and disappeared and the pieces are to small and two lost to ever put them back together the way they were before.

So now, I find myself picking up the pieces and it feels like building a broken relationship back together, relapsing. But at the same time it feels exhilerating and amazing and carefree and breathless to just be FREE. Free from chains of other people’s expectaions and to just resist. So now, I’m preparing to just go with the flow and be free. This is a new start, a new day, a new song sung in the dark with tears and fears and hopes and dreams all running wild.

Hey, it’s been a while since I just rammbled, so I figured I would today. it's 2:36 in the fuckin mornign, and i'm just searching for some thinspo. Not those models who have been photoshoped hundreds of times so you can't see their ribs peeking out or anything real, I wanted to see actual skinny people. ribs and bones, and the works. and i found some really good real girl thinspo, so i'm happy. I'll put soem in later in the morning, or now idk at the moment.
So recently, i had this really great idea, to be precise, it was 12:47am today while i was trying to fall asleep. (Don't ask me why i can't remeber to do my algebra homework, but i can remeber endless amounts of calories and the exact time a good idea poped into my head because i don't know why!) So anyway this great idea was that I would put a post it note on the fridge, or a cuboard or somewhere where I usually go looking for food. And after i take food out to eat i have to write what i took, and how many calories. Having to do something like that would quickly ruin my apitite, so i probably won't eat. Then, i have this shoebox under my bed, it's empty, and i cut  hole in the top big enough for change to fit through. And here's the fabulous part... I will put a post-it not on the shoebox over the hole where the change fits through. Then i put a post-it note on the cuboard/fridge/pantry. on the post-it on the box i write what i am allowed to eat for dinner lunch and breakfast. For me, i am allowed to eat salad(1/2 cup chopped up romaine, plain no dressing- 5-11 calories) for lunch and dinner, and half of one lunch for breakfast. so i write out what I should eat and the total of the calorie intake for the day if i stay on track. Everytime i eat something, i write it on the cupboard/fridge/pantry post-it. At the end of the day, if they match up(or if the cupboard/fridge/pantry has less calories/food on it) i reward myself with putting 10 cents, or a dollar if you are rich. Then, at the end of the month, I calculate how much money i have in there. For a good typical month I should have 3 dollars(or 30 if you are rich). When you have enough saved up, you will buy yourself a new pair of jeans cause you will be 1-2 sizes smaller.
Note: on the box there will also me a makeshift calendar post it of all the days i did good and bad. good= :) bad= :( on the calendar. 
I think it's a really good idea and good motovation if anyone wants to try. i haven't tried it yet, like i said it's a fairly new idea, only 3 hours old. 
Essie

Thinspo #2
 

            Hey! Sorry I haven't posted any thinpso in a long while, Oficially, today is my first day off of school and I haven't eaten anything. But that's not saying much because it's only 9:30 so, let me rephrase: I haven't eaten anything for the Hour and half I've been up.  Anyways I feel really bad that I haven't posted anything because I know I always do better restricting when I have posted thinspo. 
           Well, Anyways. It's the First Day of Summer Vay-cay, and i have the whole day ahead of me to mess up or to make it a great day. I've decided to make it a great day by restrcicting my diet to letuce which has only like 5 cals per cup! and water! so basically when I eat at 1:00 I will have only had 5 cals for the day and at night? when my parents sit down for dinner? "oh, yeah I already had last night's leftovers." "okay hon"-My mom. 
           I also have decided to make it a great day by posting some thinspo, tanning, and painting my nails. Blue? Red? or Pink? idk which one, but I WILL paint my nails, I can garentee you. So, as soon as it turns noon, i will put on my bathing suit, rub on my tanning oil, and lay out in the sun for fifteen minutes each side. Then I will go inside take off my suit, and take a shower. Then wash my hair, fat body, and my face so I can stay as pretty as possible- no pimples. Then, I will go eat becuse it will probably be about 1:30-1:45-ish. then i will go out side and play with my kittens and then clean my room cause it's a mess and it needs to be clean before I can workout at 4:00. So, that's basically my day. Lets hope i make it a great one because I need to have a flat stomache before wednesday. I'm going on a two day vacation with a friend to a condo and we'll basically be checking out hot guys and swimming, so i want to be tan, and thinner, and sexy! lets wish me luck!
Essie

Okay, so Spring Break is Finally here. So excited. My plan is to come back to school in a 2 weeks thinner than ever. I do track at my school, so I have to continuously run for half and hour every day. I'm going to run for half an hour in the morning, but then by afternoon, I'm going to run an extra fifteen. Every couple of days, I'm going to boost it up to 5 more minutes a time. So by Friday, I'll be running 35 minutes in the morning, 20 in the afternoon. I was just about to head out and run for 30 minutes, but I thought, I haven't posted in a while and now would be a good time to get my plan in action and down in ink.   I ate a breakfast not very healthy though, peanut butter and crackers, but hopefully I'll burn it off. Wish me luck, I'll post again after my run. Essie

               Okay, so like i'm getting really angry at my friends because they're all like why are you starving yourself. and i'm all like I'm not! because obviously i don't want them to know, and i give into my cravings way more than i ignore them, but hey i'm working on that. it's just so aggrivating. i mean. its really hurtful at the same time. the way they say it, it sounds like they're calling me a whore, or a slut or something. But i think i solved it cause i talked to one of my friends who talks to the ones who were all accusing and was like in the most pitiful voice i could conjuer up "i can't believe they're doing this to me, just cause i want to stop eating junk food so i can fit into my jazz dance dress, and i have colarbones doesn't mean i'm anorexic. i grew taller this summer, and i was never that fat. My boobs grew, i can't help that i have colarbones and they don't...." i was just ranting on the verge of tears and she could so totaly tell. so she was all sad, and then was liek hey, i'm on aim with (my one friend M...) and i so toataly knew that she was yellign at her for being so inconsiderate and rude. although, they were so totally right about my eating habits. Yeah, so now i actually have to eat lunch. and that like sucks :( anywhay, i'm on aim, so if you like want to aim me, my aim screenname is...essie10293 ... Feel free to aim me when i'm on, just tell me where you got my sn from cause i'll probably forget i put it on here. and then i'd be all like omg who are you and freaking out thinking your a stalker or something. lol i can picture myself doing that. Haha. yeah, so hope you like had a better day than i did yeterday, but it's like 1:00 am, so i'm going to bed. Night. Essie

Hey, I hope everyone is having a better day than I am, so yesterday. All was going well until my grandmother called…

          “hey, you wanna go out for dinner with grandpa and I?”

okay, so what are you supposed to say to your dear old grandmother, ‘sorry, I can’t have food, I’m dieting,’ or ‘but I already had my 100 calories for the day’. Nope, this is what I had to say…

          “Sure, what time?” the moment I uttered those word, I hated myself. And it was all downhill from there.

          I ate like the fat f**k hog I am, and today I did the same thing. I don’t take happiness in that fact, but hey, I understand that you have to put things like that in your past to move forward. I messed up today, but that’s why there’s a tomorrow.

Hey, Well today I’m fasting, and I lost about 2llbs from yesterday. I’m still fat from my off season. But everyday I get a little closer to my goal weight. I have a little page that helped me today. I found it very helpful. I hope you enjoy it. (at the bottom of this entry.) I haven’t eaten anything yet, and I’m trying to keep it that way. I’ve got no school today, and my parents are away. Watching a thinspo on youtube, and getting ready to turn to the fit channel on my TV. I am so thankful that my parents decided to get the discovery channel package. But, I thought I would fill some of you in considering that I haven’t posted in here since like forever.

Every year, I try my hardest to get into swimsuit shape by June, but right now I’m actually all ready. The other day, I was shopping with my mother, and saw this beautiful skirt. I took in a six because that’s the size that I found I was fitting into lately. Well, the six was huge on me, so I downsized to a 4. the 4 was still kinda big, but I thought my mother wouldn’t be quite so suspicious if I got the four. My mom knows that I’m trying to stay skinny so I can fit into my jazz dance dress for school, but in reality, I’m trying to skinny up quicker so that I can get a smaller size. That’s basically what’s happened the last couple of weeks. I’ll stay I  touch promise. J Essie J